Sincerely Yours, Nevermore
by AnimeyaoiFangirl2121
Summary: "Please... take away the pain... make me feel whole again..."
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This came about after I was done doing a character profile for an OC Survey Corp person I'm cosplaying sometime between this year and early next. One thing led to another and well here we go. I hope you all enjoy, please job a little review. No flames if you will.

Disclaimer: I own just my OC.

* * *

Sincerely Yours, Nevermore

He was exceedingly kind for as long as she could remember. He reached out to her, offering her a strong hand and words of encouragement as he helped her to her feet the day they first met, five years prior as they trained for the survey corp . That grin of his had been just as welcoming as the warm summer rays beating down on their exposed skin. He was someone she would look up to, someone she would care about. He was someone she could love.

And so she did.

She gave her heart to him, her soul, and her body. And he gave his in return. But they were never equals. Having had a special talent, she was handpicked by the commander of the Survey Corp to train personally under him. They grew apart, one path far more different from the other, with the same destination. And eventually their short romance ended.

Mutual terms.

And even now, as she stared into his face horrified and heartbroken, she could still feel them. Could feel those strong hands gently roaming over every inch of her, smell the sweat as it rolled off his chiseled skin, hear his calls of passion as she saw him like no one else could.

The gentle side, the loving side.

Now it made her skin crawl.

"How could you do it?"

Her voice mimicked that of a broken child.

"How could you kill all those people? How could you come in here and earn our trust- _earn my_ _trust_- just to betray us all? Betray all of humanity?"

Her voice cracked as tears fell freely down her cheeks. She was not one to cry in front of others, she promised she would shed no more tears during this war for their race. But _this_? The _betrayal_? Hurt far worse than anything ever could.

His golden eyes shifted away from her face. He couldn't stand it. Looking at the hurt, the pain he'd caused her, was a fate worse than death ten times over. She was always so friendly, so full of life. It was what drew him to her in the first place. Those deep, earthy eyes he lost himself in with just one glance. Her smile, the perfect cure for all his insecurities. Her long, wild, thick raven curls that fanned out in every direction. He could vividly remember how they curled and uncurled, then recoiled again as he would comb his fingers through the dark mass after sex.

"You shouldn't worry about my hair. Just because we fight titans for a living, doesn't mean I can't look good doing it. Besides, while I'm flying through the air, the wings of freedom visible on my back, it makes for a good show, no?" He could see her joking smile almost too vividly as that memory jogged through his racked mind. Now as he thought about it, he couldn't find a thing wrong with her. He was just worried about her; all that hair could easily blur her vision. But in the end he somewhat knew he had nothing to worry about. She was one of the most talented fighters the Corp had to offer, the woman with unruly curls could very well take care of herself.

But he'd seen the look of hurt on her face once before, just before she ended their relationship.

_Yes.._

It had been gloomy that day, clouds littered the sky and thunder roared amongst the hills and country side for miles. She told him she'd been recruited to train personally under her current lover, though he wasn't of such status back then. He had been thrilled for her, naturally. He wanted nothing but to see her smile and succeed. But then it dawned on him, she would have to leave. She would have to choose between staying with him or bettering herself for the greater good.

"Go on," He had told her. "I wouldn't want to hold you back."

"But what about us?" She asked, tears filling her dark eyes.

"I will always love you, you know that." He gave her curls a ruffle, her lips one last kiss, and sent her on her way.

How he regretted it.

Everyday, all 1,825 days to be exact. And often wondered, even now as she stood before him with Commander Erwin and Captain Levi at her side, could things have been different if he had talked her into staying? Had she have stayed behind that day, and they had indeed stayed together, would the current scene play out differently?

Of course it would. She would've most likely killed herself from the grief of being used, of being lied to.

_No…_

He didn't use her, he loved her. That much he knew was real. Among the delusion he had created for himself to help ease the guilt, what he felt for her were real.

He didn't lie, per say. He just didn't tell her.

Oh how he wanted to.

After sex, as their bodies lie in a seemingly peaceful bliss, their minds at ease and away from their struggle to survive, he wanted to tell her. Tell her that he was in fact a titan shifter and not human like he so wished and pretended to be. That he was from a place outside the city he would love to show her one day if he was ever given the chance.

But now she belonged to another man.

And now she hated him.

Now she wished for him to crawl back into the pit of hell he had crawled out of.

_And it hurt_.

It hurt more than keeping his true identity a secret. It hurt more than watching those he once considered friends being eaten right before his eyes. It hurt more than watching someone else make her happy.

_It just… hurt. _

"Do you have anything to say in your defense?" Commander Erwin asked, bringing him back to the bitterness that was reality.

His eyes lifted to her one last time, the image of her heart and trust crumbling before him forever etched onto the deepest recesses of his mind.

"Anya… I'm sorry…" His voice was but a choked out whisper.

"Take him away."

He stole one last glance before being hauled off to god knows where, and she watched, until she could no longer see him.

XXXX

The sun had long since set, nothing but the darkness of the starless night pooled into her window. Finding herself restless, Anya was resulted to pacing her room floor. She had tried to relax and forget the events of the day, to forget that she'd ever known Reiner, but it was a uselessly failed attempt.

She just couldn't, no matter how hard she tried.

He was her first love. There was no easy way of getting around that. He had been her only connection to her humanity during their days of titan slaying, among the death of those they-_she_- cared for, he kept her grounded.

He kept her sane.

She grew addicted to their intimacy. Without it she felt her mind and soul would slip away from her.

And to find out it had all been part of his plan to infiltrate the military made her want to vomit.

She felt filthy.

She felt used.

She wanted to cry but goddamnit no titan was worth anymore of her tears.

Not after everything they had taken from her.

Even if it was one she once loved.

"Anya?"

She paused her pacing to give a short stare at Erwin as he entered through her bedroom door. It shouldn't have surprised her to see him there at such an ungodly hour. The man was always late to bed and early to rise.

He was always thinking, always planning.

Ever so clever.

It was safe to say he was worried about her. The war wasn't easy for any of them. It would be a lie if one thought their psyche wasn't naturally affected. And with that in mind, Erwin wondered if his lover was as alright as she proclaimed to be.

"Why are you still awake?" She asked, continuing with her repeated steps. Her bare feet pattered softly against the cold wooden floor.

She'd been at it for a couple of hours now, so it no longer bothered her. If anything it was keeping her from having a mental break down.

Erwin was expecting it.

He was expecting _something_, some kind of reaction.

But instead he got _this_, something he expected from his captain more so than his lover. The woman he watched cry on the battle field at the loss of her friends. The woman who cried for him in mid battle when she thought something terrible had happened to him. He knew there had to been a sadness behind those glistening eyes and smiles, and he needed her to cry.

He needed her to feel.

For those made and kept them human.

"Why are you?" He countered, taking a seat at the edge of her bed.

Her clothes were neatly folded, her bed still made from that morning, her dinner still sat untouched.

This wasn't like her.

This wasn't healthy.

"Anya, talk to me." Erwin said, his voice even.

"About?"

"You know what I am talking about."

Anya stopped, her back to him, as her head tilted towards the sky. "How am I _supposed_ to react to something like this?" She asked, her voice was just as even as his. "How am I _supposed_ to feel about this? How am I to trust… and to love after…?"

"Did you not say that you fought because it's what you need to do? That you breathed because it's what you knew how to do. That you lived on because you had to. That you loved because you wanted to?" Asked the man. "That's what makes us human, Anya. Look around us, this world is filled with darkness, death, and lies. But look at _us_, amongst all the bad we have some _good_."

Anya turned to face him, her chest rising unevenly as tears threatened to fall from her eyes. "So many people, Erwin. So many people we cared about died because of him… because of Annie… because of Bertolt and Ymir… People I trained with, people I thought were my friends! People I cared about! I trusted!"

She was so angry, so hurt, she could no longer hold it all in.

"You tell me how I am supposed to feel, Erwin! Tell me so that I can feel that way!"

She gave a defeated cry as she fell to her knees and wept, repeatedly punching the floor until Erwin forced her to stop. He took her into his arms despite her protests of not wanting to be touch, laying her on her small bed. If there was anything he and Reiner had in common, it was that they both hated to see the woman cry.

It tore at them like none other.

He wove his large fingers between her nimble ones, giving her hands a light squeeze. He wanted her to know that he was still there. That he wouldn't leave her side for nothing in the world. His lips softly kissed her cheeks, catching her tears. His warmth breath a reminder that he was very much alive, that his heart still beat for her as well as their race within his chest.

Intimate.

Warmth.

Tenderness.

This was the side of Erwin only she was allowed to see. The only bit of happiness she allowed herself to indulge in.

The side of him she needed the most right now.

"Please… take away the pain… make me feel whole again…" It was a weak yet firm request.

One she did not have to repeat.


	2. Chapter 2

The room grew eerily silent as the night took over. The air was thick with the remains of the evening, clothes lay thrown on the floor. She climbed from the confines of the small bed, careful not to disturb the other sleeping occupant, as she redressed as quietly as she could and left.

Erwin didn't stir.

For the most part all of her comrades had retired for the evening, and she welcomed the silence it brought as she strolled down the long corridors. She made her way to the basement, she practically had the way memorized. She traveled there many times before when Eren was being held there.

"Anya?" A guard whose name she didn't know questioned. He arched a brow as he stared down at the unruly haired woman, confused as to why the woman was awake at such a late hour and in the basement of all places without the commander.

"I would like to speak to the prisoner alone." She said coolly.

"We have orders from Commander Erwin to not leave our posts." Said the guard.

"I need answers," Anya said bluntly. "I'm _sure_ a few minutes away would do no harm."

"If anything was to happen to you, with you being the commander's special… _friend,_ he would have our heads."

Anya arched a questioning brow, "Are you saying I cannot protect myself? That I need Erwin to look after me like I am some kind of child?" She inquired.

She wasn't upset or offended.

Not in the slightest.

The man's complexion visibly paled as he shook his head. "N-No, I'm saying that-"

"It's alright, give me five minutes alone with him."

The two men exchanged looks before slowly leaving their posts. Once alone Anya approached the small jail cell, her arms lose at her sides. Reiner looked up at the sound of approaching feet, something coming to life in his golden eyes as they locked with her dark ones.

"I have to know…" She said, not giving him the opportunity to speak first.

"What do you want to know?" He questioned, his voice even. It took everythingin his power to keep his composure. To keep from dropping to his knees and graveling like a child. Words couldn't express how much he had missed her, though it had only been a few hours since his arrest. She had been the only thing on his mind, not his current situation. Not that he could very well be dead within the next handful of hours.

No.

Anya. It was always Anya, and if she was alright.

"Why? I deserve to know… was there something I did to upset you? Did I come off as vulnerable? Did you…?" Her head dropped out of frustration and anger.

Shame.

Hurt.

It was becoming a vicious cycle.

"What? No, it was nothing like that."

"Then what was it? What would make you impersonate a soldier? What would make you fight and put your life at risk when you knew damn well what was going on and why? What would make you fall in love with a human just to screw her over in the end!?"

"I never wanted to hurt you, you have to believe me." Reiner said, almost desperately.

"I did believe you! I did trust you! I loved you Reiner, hell I still do! And you… all of my friends, the families, all of the innocent people. Their blood is on _your_ hands and for what?"

Anya would never be able to forget the time the two had spent together, weither she wanted to or not. The intimate moments were they opened up their very souls for one another would forever be a part of her. The more she tried to deny it, the more clear it seemed. Anya would always love the man. No matter whom it was she was with, no matter how many years passed, the love she had for Reiner transcended it all.

Reiner got to his feet, going to the iron bars. "Don't think for a second that my feelings for you were anything less than real." He said, his voice stern. "There wasn't a day that didn't go by that I didn't think about how all of it would affect you. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't want to tell you the truth!"

"Then why didn't you? Why didn't you tell me?"

"How was I supposed to tell you that I was the armored titan? How could I have told you and expected you to not turn me in to the authorities? The way I see it, my fate was inevitable." There was a sense of hopelessness about him. "We are not from within these walls, we are but pawns in an even bigger game than you could ever image. I did what I had to… despite the pain… I wanted to go home… I wanted to see my home again, to be human again…"

"And it was worth it in the end?"

He didn't answer her.

"I'm trying really hard to be angry with you." Her voice was a whisper. "I want to hate you. I want to smash your face in and-"

Strong, bounded hands reached through the bars and took a firm hold on Anya's wrist. She gave a soft gasp at the man's warmth, the look in his eyes.

"But I can't… a part of me is still trying to process it all… another part of me doesn't want to believe it." She confessed.

"Anya…" His voice dropped as he ushered her closer to the bars. "I love you no matter what happens and who you're with…"

"No, don't say that…" She said quietly, a desperate plea, as she removed his hand. "It makes it harder for me to let you go…"

She took a step away from his jail cell, her tear glazed eyes lifted to meet his.

"You don't belong here, Anya. You're not one of them… you have a purpose and it's beyond those walls, beyond this cage they have you confined in. You are far bigger than this, you just-"

"I need to let you go!" Anya snapped, her voice steadily rising. "I need to move on from you! I am with Erwin, and you are a criminal against the human race! I should've never came here…"

"Good bye, Reiner…"

He watched as the woman turned on the heel of her boots to make her leave, his hands reaching through the bars of his cell desperately. "You don't belong here!" He called. "You don't belong here!"

_You don't belong…_

_ You don't belong…_

_ You are one of us…_


End file.
